#MarriageMondays – Hlomelang And Naledi Kokotela

How did you meet?

We met at church, Charisma Life Tabernacle (under the leadership of Apostle Kabelo Moroke as well as Prophetess Nompumelelo Moroke).

Was it love at first sight?

I cant’ speak for hubby, though I think it was the case for him. On my side, I just admired this guy so much and often used to say to myself: “blessed is whoever he will marry” not knowing that I was referring to myself.

What attracted you to each other?

His wisdom and gentlemanliness for me. He is also quite smart and financially savvy – which I truly appreciate. He doesn’t always get my jokes but that’s a story for another day, lol. He served as a member of the church executive at the time and literally served all the saints with gladness of heart. Believe it or not, the only time I’ve ever heard the audible voice of God was when He told me who my husband was – He clearly, and by name, mentioned this just after waking up from a dream in 2015 (October 27th to be exact). I did not have a romantic interest in my husband at the time, though I admired him greatly. I was in a time of prayer concerning my marital destiny and all I had asked the Lord was for Him to make it as clear as day who I am meant to do life with. I am grateful to have been led, little did I know that hubby had already developed a romantic interest in me at the time and had gone to my pastor to ask for permission to pursue me. There’s more to it but I believe that what I’ve shared should suffice. God is faithful.

Why did you get married?

Because we love each other and perceived a life of mutual growth and fulfilment together.

How did he propose?

He actually proposed Day 1 (15 November 2015) when he declared his feelings for me, he made his intentions clear that he would love to make me his wife. I knew from the onset that the result of our courtship was matrimony.

How has marriage changed you?

Marriage has come with pleasant (and some unpleasant changes).

My priorities have changed. He has become the centre of my world, right after Christ. He has become my immediate family. The unpleasant changes have more to do with increased chores.

What has marriage taught you?

Marriage has taught me quite a bit about sacrifice and selflessness.

There’s no 50-50 in marriage. For it to fully work, you must be willing to fully lay down your life for your partner in the hope that they would do the same. My paradigms have had to be altered for the greater good of the union. We ultimately learn mutual submission through our submission to Christ, the fastest way to kill marital fellowship is to refuse to die daily, to insist on holing on to how life was before you got married. There is a constant need to prefer your partner above your needs, a consistent need to be a peacemaker when conflict arises so that you may freely raise your hands in worship and service unto God, knowing that you have fulfilled the command to be at peace with all man prior to bringing your sacrifice unto God. I have seen that one can’t pray peacefully until one has made peace in the home. It just feels like God won’t hear you because you haven’t heeded Him.

What do you love most about being married?

Knowing that I never have to go through anything alone anymore. Knowing that I get to do everyday life with my best friend on a daily. My husband is also very supportive of the burdens I have from the Lord, so this is a huge plus for me as I am kept accountable concerning my calling and its fulfilment. On a lighter note, I have developed an interest in soccer, something I last had an interest in when South Africa hosted the World Cup.

Do you have specific roles designated to each other?

We don’t have specific roles, but we do have shared responsibilities. Hubby is quite domesticated; I didn’t really know to what extent until we lived together. The dude can cook, clean, do laundry and iron so I got a good deal in that sense because I’m not the best at some domestic roles although he often complements my culinary skills.

What do you think are the roles of husbands and wives in marriage?

I think that our roles should stem from laying our lives down. From that place, there is no male nor female and we can therefore play any role without a gender in mind.

Do you believe in love languages? If so, what are yours and does your partner communicate them well?

I believe in them but my person is not quite there yet- although he is gradually learning to ‘speak’ my languages. Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch. I have also developed an interest in gifts – this one is a definite work in progress for him. The one I love to express to him is acts of service: e.g trimming his nails or paying for him to get a mani, massaging him or taking him on spa dates when possible.

What is the most romantic thing you’ve done for your spouse?

I think he’d need to confirm that. I know that I do my best to show up for him romantically but can’t decide which instance he’d count as the most romantic.

How important do you think it is for couples to have a strong friendship and share common interests?

It is highly pivotal for couples to have common (and separate) interests, more so that couples have common values with the Word

being the ultimate decision-maker in the case of a background clash. At the very core, you must understand each other’s life purpose outside of your corporate assignment from the Lord. Our roles are to support each other in our separate endeavors and to equally keep each other accountable where we slack or lose focus. We both love massages, so spa dates are always a win for us. We enjoy watching movies as well, although our taste differs. I’m a romcom kind of girl and he likes motivational movies that have a message or evoke a sense of hope. I just want to laugh and see love win at the end. Another common interest we share is travelling for leisure (and ministry).

How do you balance marriage, work and raising children, if any?

As we don’t have kids as yet, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. As far as balance is concerned, we take it one day at a time. The aim is to do our best based on the demands of the day, not to be perfect at striking any kind of balance.

What does wives submit to your husbands mean to you?

To me, it means that wives should acknowledge their husbands’ headship and leadership in their homes at all times.

What does ‘husbands love your wives’ mean to you?

It means that husbands ought to devote themselves to making their wives feel loved through his deeds and words.

What does parents train up a child in a way they should go mean to you?

It means that the parents in a home have the responsibility to set the tone and culture for what is acceptable, mandatory and

exemplary for their children to follow. It necessitates the modelling of a correct path to follow.

What are some of the challenges you’ve faced in your marriage and how did you overcome them?

Our main challenge has been in communicating succinctly throughout the various matters that arise. It is a work in progress, but I have seen that I overcome this barrier when I resist the urge to communicate while emotional about a matter. This is, at times, hard for me but the Holy Spirit is faithful to give grace when I remember to ask. The Lord has also helped me a lot in apologizing even when I do not feel that I was wrong. This is where I see the blessing of being a peacemaker as opposed to trying to prove my perceived correctness at the expense of restoring peace in the home.

What do you mostly fight about?

We fight about a lot of things, from the toilet seat preference to me impulsively spending on something without checking in first. Our money personalities differ and his is better than mine; I’m a spender and he’s a saver- so I’m daily learning not to be impulsive and to consider needs from wants while he is learning that it is ok to include some kind of entertainment in our budget. We haven’t fully gotten this correct but I think we we’ll do better with time.

What irritates you about each other?

Well, well, well…I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert, so you

can imagine what that entails when one recharges by being around people while the other recharges through solitude. He makes great conversation when he’s in the mood to talk, but sometimes he

reaches his talking quota and wants to just relax while I want to talk about whatever is on my mind. I’m the kind that wants to talk when I run out of sleep and that irritates him as he would need to

wake up to hear what I need to say, which can often wait until the morning. I am irritated by his silence at times, even though I do understand that we were made differently. I’m learning to

embrace and enjoy his company even when we aren’t having a conversation at all.

How do you keep love alive?

Making time to find each other in the busyness of life. This translates as mini dates where we check in on each other over ice-cream or just asking each other how the day went when we get home from work. We also make time to just be together.

What do you do for fun together?

Anything goes, watching a series, laughing over a plethora of

random videos on social media, going on dates with other couples, just being in each other’s company does the trick.

What do you think marriage is?

A daily commitment to lay your life down for your partner.

What makes a marriage work?

Remembering that you are friends not enemies.

What makes it fail?

Choosing not to work through a difficult season, choosing not to fight for each other anymore. Accepting defeat indefinitely and acting in accordance with what you have accepted.

What do you think is the reason for people to not believe in the institution of marriage?

Past hurts, failed relationships, being raised outside of a godly marriage model, thinking that your challenges are unique to you and that your rainy days will never translate into sunshine.

Unrealistic expectations exuded on social media also have a catastrophic effect on the realities that come with

marriage.

Do you think pre-marital counselling is important, why?

I think that premarital counselling is like driving school. You may learn a lot there but attending the sessions and heeding the lessons doesn’t guarantee that you will circumvent all manner of mishaps along the way. My view is that it is important, but it will never replace the daily commitment to honor your covenantal vows through changing times and seasons.

Why do you think there is such a high rate of divorce?

Expectations that are either unrealistic or uncommunicated.

What measures can be taken to break the high rate of divorce?

Depending on the Author of the institution to make it work, we cannot follow worldly patterns in a godly union. The soul must submit to the Spirit if we are to make our marriages work. Our ideals and preferences must be aligned to biblical principles if our unions are to last and serve as a patten for what God intended.

What do you think is the significance of lobola?

For me, lobola is a means to honor an African custom and an indirect way of assuring the bride’s family that you will be able to continue with the responsibility of providing for their daughter. You are in a sense announcing that the family of the bride may relinquish or abdicate their responsibilities as it pertains to her welfare. It also serves as a token of gratitude to the bride’s family for their life-long efforts in watering your precious flower.

Would you advice people to do prenup, in community of property or out of community of property and why?

I would advise people to base their decision on faith, not fear. I studied law and thus understand the intricacies involved across the various marriage contracts, however, the reason for a particular marriage contract should be informed by your confidence in the Lord above the arm of flesh. Having said the above, I do understand the need to consider either contract from a binding perspective as it pertains to marrying a person who may be heavily indebted at the time of officiation.

Is it advisable for couples to live together before marriage, why or why not?

I shall answer this question with a rhetorical question from Scripture; “Can a man take a heap of fire onto his lap and his clothes not be burned? Can a man walk on coals without his feet being scorched?” (Proverbs 6:27-28).

You cannot move in with your partner outside of marriage and assume that you will not defile your marriage bed – that’s if you are born again and fear the Lord. As coal has the propensity to scorch one’s feet, so will your walk life be adversely affected. If you intend to honor God with your singleness, the idea is not an option. This is purely against the counsel of God on the matter. You need to ultimately remember that this is someone you want to present without spot, blemish or wrinkle unto the Lord.

How long do you think couples should date before getting married and in your opinion, is there a way to date or each to their own?

Again, I shall respond with Scripture: “When the time is right, I,

the Lord, will make it happen (Isaiah 60:22).

There is no prescribed time, the Lord knows when the

time is right and will confirm this through His peace & provision for the marriage, not just for a wedding. Concerning the how part, it is best to keep your union away from social media and too much influence from the family. Have a scene that you want to announce results not potentials. Just as it is the glory of God to conceal at matter, get to know your partner outside of the noise in the form of opinions. Close friends and a few family members may know on either side as well as your pastor but keep the multitudes out. Avoid spending extended periods of time indoors together, alone. It is your spirit that is saved, the flesh remains carnal and void of understanding order. The enemy only needs a foothold to gain a stronghold. His intention is to meddle that he may use your own flesh to destroy your union.

What do you think is the secret to the longevity of your marriage?

Keeping things simple and staying best friends. Choosing to not have anyone have a greater say over your union outside of God. While there is safety in the multitude of counsellors, listen to each other more than you listen to everyone else. In essence, love everyone but do not let anyone prescribe their preference over what God is establishing through your union. Lastly, both parties should be there to learn more than to teach.

Whose marriage do you look up to and why?

I look up to Muzi and Randy Ngwenya, Ruth and Isaac Kgapola, as well my pastors; Kabelo and Nompumelelo Moroke, they keep it real with us and they give authentic and holistic advice in time of need. They model a good balance and example of godly unions.