Names: Motha Ka Mtshali
Married since: 2015
Pet names: Babakhe / S’thandwa
Kids: Simo-esihle & Tusani
Scripture foundation: “He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” – Philippians 1:7
How did you meet?
We met in Varsity, at a home cell. She was doing her first year and I was in my last in 2010. She was a sisteren until 2012 when I returned to the varsity home cell to check on them. On my return, she had grown into this wonderful and very mature lady, I was hooked.
Was it love at first sight?
For me it was. Back then, even now, my wife was everything that most girls weren’t. More than being a Christian, she was a very principled woman and knew her worth and you could see that from
the way she carried herself. She was revered by men, angaphasehlwa. Very beautiful and kind-hearted.
What attracted you to each other?
My wife is beautiful by any human standards and humble, she was and still is the prize. A woman endowed with the most extraordinary combination on inner and outer qualities; in my eyes she was everything a man could ever hope for and dream of.
Why did you get married?
She basically ticked all the boxes, a marriage material type of a girl. Anyone who didn’t see that was either blind or a fool. It was a no brainer to be honest.
How did he propose?
It wasn’t fancy at all. I made my intentions clear from the beginning and when the time came I told her that I spoke to my dad and as the Mtshalis, my family, we would like to send a letter to her family to ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage. It was not romantic at all.
How has marriage changed you?
Marriage has changed my life in ways that I could never have imagined. The man I am now is totally different from the man I was then. Having been together for more than a decade, my wife’s femininity has rubbed off on me. I’ve grown emotionally, I’m cautious with my jokes, I’m more sympathetic. I know how to be vulnerable, how to talk about my feelings and, when the going gets tough, shed a tear.
What has marriage taught you?
No one is born a good lover, loving is a learned skill–we teach each other how we want to be loved. However, teaching your partner involves modeling that behaviour without keeping count and hope that it will be reciprocated them over time. If you love compliments, you first must give compliments unabatedly. I know that’s a tough thing to do, however its necessary for the
relationship to blossom. In love we don’t change each other, but rather we change the environment which will in turn influence our partners to follow suit, God willing.
What do you love most about being married?
I find marriage to be mentally cleansing amongst other things. To have someone who is willing to be your shield against life’s challenges; a buffer against stress, anxieties, and distractions. The beauty of knowing that I’m loved no matter what is the strength I wish upon all men.
Do you have specific roles designated to each other?
Yes, it’s mostly traditional gender roles in marriage. My wife is a nurturer and a caregiver, and I’m a provider.
What do you think are the roles of husbands and wives in marriage?
I don’t think our roles as couples should be fixed in marriage. Although generally most people agree that the traditional role of a woman is more nurturing, and men are more dominant. It’s still up to the couple to decide which one works for them by leveraging on their natural skills. Fixed traditional gender roles may lead to discrimination and anxiety. While these roles have provided a sense of order and familiarity in the past, they also come loaded with drawbacks that can perpetuate inequality, limit individual potential, and hinder social progress.
Do you believe in love languages? If so, what are yours and does your partner communicate them well?
No we don’t. Learning to speak each other’s love languages wont remedy toxic behaviours, nor will they remedy an issue once its emerged. Although a lot of disagreements between couples can be
linked back to miscommunication, not all problems have to do with how much or how well we’re talking to each other.
What is the most romantic thing you’ve done for your spouse?
Exploring Cape town for a week on her birthday.
How important do you think it is for couples to have a strong friendship and share common interests?
It’s important because a friendship helps keep you happy. A strong friendship makes life more fun in good times and offers support and comfort during rough patches.
What are some of the interests you share with your spouse?
Taking evening walks, going out, watching movies (part of our profession is watching and rating movies) and reading just to mention a few.
How do you balance marriage, work and raising children, if any?
Being raised by both parents made certain duties that come with marriage life less complex. Both of us had a blueprint to work from which made things easier. We knew very early on in our marriage that marriage is not only about love but a huge part of it is responsibility and duty, and that there’s meaning in both. It all boils down to priorities, marriage comes first and the rest will fall into place. Once you prioritize other things other than your marriage, it will mark the beginning of an end.
What does wives submit to your husbands mean to you?
It means being held in esteem as a man and to be shown consideration and appreciation — even when I make mistakes. It means being respected for who I am, not for what I can provide. Not the type of respect that is given when I do well and is taken away when I slip up, or the kind given when I get a high paying job and withdrawn when I get retrenched.
What does husbands love your wives mean to you?
It means to wake up every day and choose to love your spouse. Love is more than a feeling; it is a choice. However, in choosing to love my partner I must also express my love for her in a way that will be meaningful to her; in other words, scratch where it itches.
What does parents train up a child in a way they should go mean to you?
What I do as a parent matters, and it will lead to certain outcomes. Our children often imitate us, they’ll learn how to interact with others from observing us as parents; they’ll know how to love by
seeing how we love. If we as parents can learn to imitate God our children, in turn, will grow up knowing what it means to follow Christ.
What do you mostly fight about?
We hardly fight these days, however, when we do fight it’s normally around the issue of communication—or lack thereof from my side.
What irritates you about each other?
I think we are past that stage. What used to irritate me in the past has probably become something I’ve learned to live with.
How do you keep love alive?
By spending a sizable amount of quality time together each week, we find that this strengthens and reinforces our relationship. Spending quality time together enhances the relationship bonds; it’s flirting over breakfast in pajamas on a Saturday morning; it’s laughing at the jokes you’ve heard them tell a thousand times before; it’s coming home from work after a long day and planting a giant snog on each other. Quality time could be anything from going for a walk together or sitting down for a meal. Any activity that will keep our phones away; nothing ruins quality time quite like a screen.
What do you do for fun together?
Going out and exploring food markets, hiking, picnics, and Netflix! Netflix! Netflix!
What do you think marriage is?
To be philosophical for a minute, marriage to me is the commitment to help each other grow and succeed, not only separately, but together whether it’s financially, spiritually or emotionally. Marriage means strength when I feel weak, it means love and knowing that someone is there to support me when I feel overworked and exhausted. It means knowing that someone has got my back. It means learning to be kinder, more humble and giving – less selfish, more selfless, and preparing to sacrifice for the sake of the one your love. It gives me a reason to try to always be the best husband, companion, father and friend I could ever be.
What makes a marriage work?
Most people only want the benefits of marriage but not the hard work that comes with it. However, working on one’s marriage is not enough, one needs the right tools as well. In the words of Mark Gungor: “The thing that makes marriage wonderful is work. But we need more than just work; we need skill. Just because we are willing to work for a great marriage does not mean we have the skills to pull one off. Those skills take time and knowledge. The longer we wait to learn those skills, the more apt we are to tumble from one painful relationship to another.” When the honeymoon phase
fades you’ll be faced with this: work.
What make it fail?
To borrow from the Great Kamryn, the truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry. Love is something different.
Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship. Love is not an emotion but rather a skill we should learn. It’s the learning part that’s the issue.
What do you think is the reason for people to not believe in the institution of marriage?
Being raised in broken homes and social media contributes to that.
Do you think pre-marital counselling is important, why?
I don’t think so because the whole purpose of telling people about the realities of marriage is so that they can decide whether or not they’d like to get married. The type of relationship couples have before marriage won’t be changed by pre-marital counselling; it won’t wash away any old or bad habits.
Why do you think there is such a high rate of divorce?
People who marry tend to have some blind spots:
1) People don’t think of marriage as commitment. They think it’s something that just happens. They don’t realize it’s the type of commitment that requires daily maintenance to continue to work.
2) Most people who get married these days come from a single parent household, which deprives them of an opportunity to witness how conflicts are resolved in a marriage. Few people have training in impulse control and conflict resolution. Situations escalate. Words, which cause irreparable damages, get said and people get hurt.
3) It’s a common practice in our society and in the media to teach kids and adults alike that divorce is an okay thing; there’s always a way out. We can look for another fun partner and fall in love again. So we don’t have to work it out, or remain in a relationship that doesnt “serve” us anymore.
What measures can be taken to break the high rate of divorce?
I strongly believe that if young couples could make it a norm to seek out and befriend couples with healthy marriages might curb the high divorce rate. This will ensure that they gain access to other marriages, learn from the couples’ experiences and acquire the right set of skills to apply in their own lives.
What do you think is the significance of lobola?
Lobolo is a great custom, a pertinent transition both physically and psychologically for a couple to calibrate the challenges that come with the journey that they’re about to embark on, moving from Umjolo to Umendo. However, when the lobolo process is abused it can be detrimental for the couple and their families.
Would you advice people to do prenup, in community of property or out of community of property and why?
Different strokes for different folks; whatever suits the couple’s needs or circumstances should be alright.
Is it advisable for couples to live together before marriage, why or why not?
No. Love minus commitment should never be enough. Any love that is void of commitment is fleeting and unsteady. You can’t build anything solid on it, its foundation is weak as it is full of excuses. No one deserves that kind of love.
How long do you think couples should date before getting married and in your opinion, is there a way to date or each to their own?
There’s no ideal time frame, there’s just too many variables. Some couples just know right off the bat that they belong together. Others prefer to wait a while and see how things play out—2 to 5 years is a sweet spot I’d say. Either way, it’s important that couples agree on basic things beforehand, like financial obligations, the number of children they’d like to have, shared family values and the like.
What do you think is the secret to the longevity of your marriage?
Accepting that mistakes are a part of life and bound to happen. However, they can be minimized and we should aim to do exactly that by reading empowering books on marriage and surrounding
ourselves with likeminded couples. The aim is not to be perfect but to curtail the imperfections for love to germinate. To prune all the mistakes and bad habits that seek to stifle us and create a healthy environment that will allow our love to blossom in spite of the weed. Marriage is a blessing to those who are willing to work on it.
Whose marriage do you look up to and why?
My parents’ marriage, they personified respect, love and sacrifice.
What advice do you have for people intending to get married?
Your marriage will be tested to the point of divorce. It will be challenged to a point where you even question it. Every marriage will experience that at some point; its an inevitability. However, once you manage to get yourself out of that maze; out of the grip of hopelessness. It will feel like you can never unlove it. Like it won’t hurt you no more. It feels safe and secure. It feels like the story of Tintswalo, but a real one.